Thursday, April 24, 2014

Now What?

I was really busy this past week, but now it seems like everything slowed down.  Now I'm depressed. I'm someone who actually loves being busy, so for me to have nothing to do is like caging a wild animal.  I'm grumpy.  So I told my mom that I was in a "Grinchy" mood, gotta love Dr. Seuss! :)
All I've got is school, that's no fun! And normal stuff, definitely not cool!  I need to be busy and exhausted when I go to bed at night, otherwise I'm going to really lose my mind.  I'm like that, I actually have more trouble with sin and anger when I haven't been busy.

It's important for me to slow down and catch my breath (I'm very introverted) but too much of doing nothing will make me lose my mind.  All I've got going on is school (really looking forward to summer vacation), violin and that's almost done, and church.  Church is an entirely different subject.  I'm originally from a smaller church so moving to a big one is a HUGE adjustment.  It's constant pressure when I'm there.   Here I was talking about how busy and fulfilled I felt just a few weeks ago! ERR! Something is not right about that.  I think that it's unfair, actually.  Now I'm going to have to find ways to keep me occupied, or I'll lose my mind (wait, I already said that!)

Between testing and 4-H I've managed to keep half of my sanity, but even that is dwindling.
I need something to do.  If anyone has any ideas......
So what am I supposed to do now? This restlessness is not pleasant, so I need a bit more purpose.  Purpose as in something I enjoy (not chores, mom, :))  Like music, babysitting, and even writing. You guys know me, I LOVE writing.  So thank you, God, for this blog! It keeps me going somedays!!! 
From my favorite devotional:

Rest in the stillness of My Presence while
I prepare you for this day.  Let the radiance of My Glory shine 
upon you as you wait on Me in confident trust.  Be still, and know that I am God.
There is both a passive and an active side to trusting Me.  As you rest in My Presence, focusing on Me, I quietly build bonds of trust between us.  When you respond to the circumstances of your life with affirmations of trust, you actively participate in this process.

I am always with you, so you have no reason to be afraid.  your fear after manifests itself in excessive planning.  Your mind is so accustomed to this pattern of thinking that you are only now becoming aware of how pervasive it is and how much it hinders you intimacy with Me.  Repent of this tendency and resist it when ever you realize you are wandering down this well-worn path.  Return to My Presence, which always awaits you in the present moment. 
I accept you back with no condemnation


What doTERRA Has Done

Here's from my brother's recent writing assignment:

"Hi, my name is Mark M Words.   For the past few years I had been having head-splitting headaches, nausea,  diarrhea, constipation, gastro issues, and cramping.   My wife Belinda was at a loss as to what to do for me.  We had tried steroids, epsom-salts, yoga,  the paleo-diet, and many other painful and humiliating so-called remedies.  Then a few months ago one of my third cousins twice removed god us about a company called doTERRA that makes oils with natural healing properties.  At first my wife didn't believe the man.  So, my third cousin twice removed sent us a few doTERRA sample bottles.  Immediately I had relief, I am now a firm believer in doTERRA and have gone into marketing their essential oils.  I hope that you can use and enjoy doTERRA oils just as much as I have.  May you enjoy a symptom free life of no problems. 

Mark M Words



Can you tell what has been happening in our house lately?  :)

Thursday, April 17, 2014

And Yet Another Dream, Again!

So you know that board game, "Clue".  I lived it, in my dream.  So I'm the red person, Miss Scarlet? And I'm trying to figure out who murdered that guy who's been murdered.  Everywhere I go, the body followed me, I also felt guilty about something, and it was really weird.  It was the Mustard guy that cracked the case.  Turns out, I was the murderer, so that's why I felt guilty.  Telling this to my mom, she asks, "So how did you know that you were the murderer?"  My response, "Uh, they told me."
I have no idea why I even dreaming about clue.  I wasn't even thinking about it before I fell asleep.
Oh, I think I killed the guy in the dining room with a candlestick.  If anyone knows how you can actually kill someone with a candlestick, please let me know because I have no clue.  I must have been REALLY tired that night.  

Lies I Have And Do Believe

Truth: God loves you and wants to be your Best Friend.
Lie: Forget it, nobody could love me after what I've done.

Truth: Because of Jesus dying on the cross, you are forgiven.
Lie: I cannot ever be forgiven,  I'm too bad.

Truth: God sometimes lets bad things happen, but it for your own good.
Lie: No just and loving God would allow the things to happen that happened to me.

Truth: You do not need to be ashamed of who you are,  you're beautiful because God created you.
Lie: I'll never measure up to the standard of beauty in this world, therefore, I'm ugly.

Truth: You can defeat the evil that you struggle with, with God's saving grace and mercy.
Lie: I'm a hopeless case. I can never be free from temptation.

Truth: You have My love and acceptance, you don't need human acceptance, it is fleeting and often hurtful.
Lie: To be worth something, I need to have the acceptance of people.

Truth: You are a beautiful person, just let the glory of God shine through you.
Lie: I have to hide who I really am, or people will see too much and see who I really am.

Truth: I will bring the right guy to you someday, wait on My perfect timing.
Lie: I need a guy's attention to be loved and accepted by everyone.

The list goes on and on.  How many nights have I cried myself to sleep because I just don't measure up to the world's standards.  I don't have the model's perfect body, face, and hair.  I will never be perfect.  Yes, I struggle, everyday.  I'm going through a tough time right now.  It's not easy.  However God is there.  I just need to seek, then I will find.  I just need to  knock, and the door will be opened to me.



Button Boy

Isn't it funny how things turn out?  When my mother was expecting my youngest brother, Elijah, I had mixed feelings.  When my parents first told me that we had another sibling on the way, I was shocked.  I did what I usually do when  I'm shocked, nervous, or angry; I cried.  Then as time went on, I started to think.  For firsts, I HATE change (funny since we usually move every five years and usually it's out of the country)  then I am the middle child and the quietest.  My other two siblings demand a lot more attention than I do, resulting in myself generally getting accidentally overlooked. Then it was a tough time for me spiritually.  Yes, I was giving God the silent treatment.  I had a lot of pent up anger, I kinda took it out on this unborn baby.   Then Elijah Luke was born.  I fell in love with the tiny button-like face (I do call him my "button boy")  He has a really good temperament,  resulting in my liking him more.  I tend to easily "lose it" with fussy infants around.  Then he absolutely adores all of us.  He loves the time he spends with each of us.

He is probably now one of my favorite kids on earth!  He was the one who melted all the stoniness and anger in me.  Often when people asked me (when my mother was still pregnant) if I was excited I felt cornered.  What was I supposed to say?  "No. I'm not.  God and I are not speaking, I'm angry about having to change churches, my friend leaving, and God seeming to ignore me.  I'm taking it out on this little guy."  So I made up something like, "Uh, well, uh....I haven't really, uh, thought about it."  If I ever said that to you (can't remember everyone I did it to) please know that I was just one hurt and crying person on the inside.  

This little boy has also opened up some emotional scars that I had forgotten about, rather, I blocked them from my mind.  That hasn't been easy, but it has been good for me.  Yes, I have been scarred and those scars have been opened up again, but maybe that was a good thing.  I am so thankful  for my "Button Boy"!

My Button Boy 
Two very different faces 

Just plain tuckered out
Boy Meets Dog 
Sleeping Beauty 

Monday, April 14, 2014

Group 1 Crew - Walking on the Stars (Lyrics)

Britt Nicole - Still that Girl - Lyrics

Welcome to My Life

So if you don't know me very well, this post will give you a little peak into my life (and stupidity).

After agreeing to play in the orchestra for the W Chapel campus for Easter I decided that I was going to die.  Well after the first service that I played in (yesterday for Palm Sunday) I realized that I wasn't going to die, I was merely going barely survive for the next week.  AUGH!  Then my family (who are ever supportive of my dreams, even when that meant that I was going to the Fiji islands, when I graduated from medical school, What?!? OK, so I was ELEVEN!) suggested that after I finish here in my favorite place on earth (my nice little W town) that I should try for playing in the A Chapel campus's  orchestra, every Sunday.  I'm convinced that I would lose my sanity, though everyone else thinks that I could do it.  I've got nothing against considering it, but anyone who has ever played a stringed instrument (I'm a string person through and through) especially the violin,  knows that when you play in an orchestra or band or something, you will most likely be playing with FOUR flats.  Like my life wasn't bad enough.

I told a lie, W town is not my favorite place on earth though I do love it a lot.  The Blue Ridge Mountains are my favorite place on earth.  When we went up there for a few days about a year ago, I fell so in love with the area that I never wanted to leave.  I'm pulling for the Smokies and Montana now.....

This morning (no I'm not A.D.D. because I'm skipping topics)  my gramma and I were singing In The Garden,  I love that hymn.  (Gramma helps me with voice when we can)  I love how the person who wrote the song loved being with Jesus all day, and didn't even want to leave when it was time to go and have a good night's sleep. Wouldn't that be awesome?  To love to be with God so much that you just couldn't get enough of Him?  I'm far from that, but I wish that I could be like that.  What is even more special to me is that God Himself would love to spend an entire day, just with me.  That blows me away.  Why on earth would someone as perfect as God want to spend so much time with me?  Me, who gets so caught up in her own "problems" that she can't think about others?  Me, who pushes God out of the picture when I've found something that I think would be so much more interesting?  Me, who knows what God doesn't like, but does it anyway?  Me, who just can't seem to be able to give control to God because I want to be in control of my own life?  Me, who is so concerned about what people think and the future that I don't even think to ask God to direct me?

I really love music (well, everything except gospel. Not sure why.) It seems that it's also the way that God and I communicate best, that's why I'm always posting different music on this blog, mostly they're all songs that made me cry.  That's why I really love orchestras (except for when I'm playing in them, because then I'm a terrible case of nerves) One of my favorite things to do is to pray when I go running.  Doesn't it just seem that God is right there with you when you're in nature? And talking to Him also keeps my mind off of the agonizing pain I always get in either my knee or side.   I love having my devotions outside in the summer, getting up early and sitting on our back patio with the trees and birds and dog, just being with God.  Journaling is really hard for me (why would I want to write about my life? It's all school!) so my diary is a diary to God.  Really just letters to Him.  God finds the most creative ways to convict me (it's so annoying)  and usually it's when I'm in my room with the door closed and turned up stereo trying to forget about all the problems and things that are going on.  Yes, it's the music.  I seriously didn't know that TobyMac could be so thought provoking, or that Britt Nicole could make me sniffle,  even Tenth Avenue North was making me cry like nuts.
Welcome to my life.....




Wednesday, April 2, 2014

So in case you haven't noticed, I love to post some of my favorite songs.....

Arms that Hold the Universe - 33Miles

Britt Nicole - Hanging On (Lyrics!)

Beautiful - MercyMe | With Lyrics

Shame


Shame

I can't hide it even though I try.
Can't deny it, though I haven't the strength to cry.
Can't believe that things could be different.
Can't be who I am, because then you'll see.

You'll see who I am, not who I try to be.
You'll see that I'm hiding everything deep inside of me.
You'll see all the laughter and confidence is fake.
You'll see that I'm not who I want to be.

I want to be free from this pain, I want the wounds to heal.
Though sometimes I feel like I've lost the ability to feel
To feel the hurt that has been given to me.
To feel the emotions that should come from deep inside me.

I don't understand why things happened,
All I know is that someone had planned.
Planned to use my story, sad though it is,
But to use it for some purpose, to let me win. 

This is a poor excuse for a piece a of poetry, but I think that it gets the point across.
Shame haunts so many of us.  I am no exception.  I just want to feel confident in shy, little me.
To be able to not feel guilty about what I have done, that I really have the opportunity to change.



Liana: "I am so sick of school! Like I could die!"

Li: "But studying hard will allow you to have a break this summer."

Liana: "I know, but it already looks like I'll be working at least through June!" 

Li: "But that was your own fault.  When you should have been working you were dreaming away the time, like you didn't have anything to do." 

Liana: "Yeah, but I was tired.  I deserved a break." 

Li: "Even though the "break" lasted almost the entire time you were supposed to be studying?" 

Liana: "This is SO annoying!!" 

Li: "What is? Your school or your attitude?"

Liana: "Duh! My school.  My attitude is great! Totally cheerful, Ok?  I can't help it that Algebra and I don't understand each other or that science and I do not agree on anything!" 

Li: "Who's been walking around like a ogre for two weeks?  Who's been trying to get out of everything hard?  And who has been complaining daily since September about your own lack of motivation?"  

Liana: "Ok, so I've been just a little grumpy.  Get over it! I deserve a life apart from textbooks you know!"  

Now, which one am I?