How do I do it? I often ask myself that question. How do I pretend to be one person and really be another? Why do I live a mediocre life, hiding the facts about me? Why do I want to be in control of my own life, when giving it over to my Creator? Why do I allow myself to justify my words and actions that are not glorifying or loving? Am I afraid or just stubborn and rebellious? Why am I waiting? What does God have for me? Am I putting off my life for selfish pleasures? What could I be doing that I'm not? Could I be doing something more? And if I could, what would it be? Why do I mess up and then kill myself over it? Is something wrong with me? Why do I walk down the path of darkness with no light to guide me? Why?
I have written on this blog. I have shared thoughts. I have told of my experiences. Yet none of it was really me. I was hiding. Hiding behind the one thing that made me look good. And I was miserable. I could have been doing more, yet I wasn't. I was plagued with guilt. With anger. And I was convinced I was unlovable. It was wrong. It was sad. Yet that whole time, Someone was watching, waiting, and gently calling. Calling me to Himself. I found something that I never thought existed, a love deeper than the deepest ocean, higher than the highest mountain, it reached to the furthest star in the heavens, and it was directed at me. "I repented of my ways and you answered me." I was lost. And I was found. I was hiding. And I was sought. I have been called, and I have rejoiced in my calling. I have been on a journey. Long and hard, and it will continue until the day I die. I have found that living a life set apart to my Creator is worthwhile, is wonderful, and without want. Why did I wait so long? It won't be easy to settle into a new way of life, yet I'm determined to do it. I'm slowly, yet surely, falling in love with my King. And He will direct my paths, even if I do go through the valley of shadow and death, but I will not be afraid, for He will never forsake me. Does this mean that I am now no fun, that I make no mistakes, that I will never cry again. No. I still laugh with my friend and spend time with them, though I no longer seek to make myself liked. I still make mistakes, quite frequently, I'm far from perfect. I cry. We all do. There is nothing shameful in that, God created tears. He made us to feel emotions, to relieve the pain with our tears. I pray that I may be a light in this present day, while we wait for the hope, the glorious appearing of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ.