Thursday, November 20, 2014

20 More Questions

Twenty more questions for y'all.  Feel free to ask me any others too.

1) If I could live anywhere, where would it be?
Montana

2) If I could go to school anywhere where would it be?
Ok, I love online school, but if I really had my choice, Christian school.

3) Favorite craft?
I don't like crafts but I do like knitting.

4) Favorite time in history?
Edwardian England.

5) Who is my favorite music group?
Tenth Avenue North, then probably Family Force 5.

6) Do I like 1D?
I'm going through a serious gagging fit.

7) Do I like Lord of the Rings?
In love with it right now.

8) Am I afraid of heights?
Yes.

9) Do I like football?
Can't follow the game, so not really.

10)Where is my favorite place to shop?
I am a huge fan of second hand shops, but I also like TJMaxx and JC Penneys.

11) When is my birthday?
November 20

12) Do I lose everything?
No, I MISPLACE everything.

13) Am I seriously un organized?
Yup.

14) Am I a country girl or city girl?
Definitely tend more towards a country type.

15) Do I like junk food?
To a certain degree.  Can only have so much though.

16) Am I always this weird?
Depends on your definition of weird.

17) Do like big huge books?
Oh, yeah!

18) Are you always dying or cutting your hair?
yes.

19) Do you consider yourself a good Christian?
That's a complicated one because everyone has their times where they feel super close to God, then they have days when He feels distant.  I know that I am far from perfect, but I really want to work on developing a closer relationship with Him.

20) Do you like salad bars or McDonalds?
That depends on what mood I'm in :) 

My Facebook Encounter

I may have told some of you about my cyber convictions.  I have absolutely refused to be on instagram or twitter.  Twitter is boring, while instagram seems to just be an excuse to put of selfies of yourself.  And I am someone who hates selfies. (ok, ok,I have taken a few, just a few)  So Facebook seemed to me my last option (i don't do pintrest, boring) So I looked at my mom's to see if I would really like it.  I did. Sort of.  I liked the idea of being able to stay in contact with people that i normally don't have any contact with, but when I got off, I began to feel really discontent.  I started comparing myself and my stuff to everyone else.  I finally realized that people only put up the stuff that they feel good about.  They only put of pictures of themselves that they like, I didn't see them without their makeup or when they're having a bad hair day.  I don't see all the issues of having an iPhone (although, there have to be very few :))  And I don't see when people are sad or lonely, depressed or in trouble, when a relationship has broken up and left them heartbroken.  i don't see that. But I still see me in all my glory :)
My final decision.  No Facebook. Maybe once college comes and I'll be leaving home and people behind.  But not now when I'm struggling with peer dependancy.   SO I'll stick to the prehistoric stuff like email, blog, and a "slider phone"  :)  

Hi, Everyone, I'm Back!!!

Hello everyone.  I'm so back! Yes, me. Yup.  Me with all my grime and crime to tell you about :)  I've missed blogging.  But I've had a lot going on between everything that has gone on. 
I'm sort of  tired with life.  Me who has always told myself that I am never depressed, never sad, and absolutely never wrong.  Yeah right!!! Just another one of those phases.  However, I am having a great time seeing how much trouble I can get into.  Seeing how much I can annoy my friends with thousands of pointless texts.  Yup, I'm having fun.  In a really weird sort of way.  like usual.  So I'm finally watching Lord of the Rings.  I read the books and watched both the Hobbits that have come out.  I just haven't actually seen the trio because of the length and my lack of time. But I am really enjoying it.  It really makes me think about how real good and bad are today.  Although a much more subtle way.  But is it really any different?  How many Saurons do  we have taking on different forms? And how many Saruman's? And here's the scary thought,  how many Frodo's? Not that you have gotten a really weird sample of how my brain works, let's hope I spelled the names right. I'm not exactly sure that I remember exactly how they are spelled, so if I have it completely backwards please tell me :)  On a lighter note, today's my birthday!!! Yay!!! My dad had to go to work early which stinks since we usually do a special breakfast and gifts in the morning, but life doesn't always go how you want it to.   I got this amazing opportunity to be sponsored for a year's worth of violin lessons for free.  That was  a real answer to prayer with how little money I have right now.  I'm crazy busy with school and getting ready for our church's Christmas Concerts.  The music is ridiculously hard, but it's really been helping me to improve my playing and learning to play in an orchestra.  Missed writing here. Hopefully I will be more frequent in the future.  Thanks to everyone who has been texting me, telling me to write with a million exclamation points.  To make that more specific, thanks, Daleen!!!!! Love ya, friend.  <3  So to sum it all up, i'm back!! 

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Listen Up, Parents:

Okay so I'm going to just give some wild ideas about teenagers.  So my parents are great and everything,  I'm just saying what I would like or want and this does not apply to every kid.  So do not look at this as the Raising A Teenager Bible, please.


Has anyone ever noticed that once you hit about twelve or thirteen you're immediately a different species, a teenager?  I think that's part of the problem, teenagers are so used to being referred to as lazy perverts that they think that it's completely normal.  That it's acceptable to be that way.  My parents have always told me that being a teenager can be the best thing that ever happened to you.  Teenagers can have such a wonderful influence and help in the community.  Think about it,  teens aren't married with kids, don't work full time, don't have heavy responsibilities, they have a lot of energy and love, and are in general super nice people.  (i'm not saying that just because I'm one)
As teens we often need the most encouragement that we ever will.  We are wrestling with tough questions and are deciding what kind of people we want to become.   We want our parents involved in our lives, believe it or not.  Parents are our examples even if the relationships with them might be strained.  I think that a lot of parents become either hopeless with their teen, beyond caring and spending time with them.  Or others become like, super protective.  They're like, "My kids can't go anywhere or do anything or they will become atheists, drug addicts, and have a kid at seventeen."
Both ways aren't the right way to handle things.  (Note, that this is coming from an inexperienced teen myself, I'm not the mother or father of teenagers, so correct me if I'm wrong)

I think that if parents just took time to be with their kids things could really turn around.  Moms go to a coffee shop then go shopping with your girls.  Talk to them about their school, friends, guys, and fashion trends.  If you're really desperate, take selfies with them :)  It's also important for moms to spend time with their sons too.  Whether that's taking them grocery shopping and buying them a huge, mucky sandwich with mountain dew (trust me, most guys of my acquaintance ALL drink mountain dew)  or just talk, about anything, even if that means gutting a fish while you talk, it all depends on the kid.   Dads are a huge part of their kids identities.  Especially guys, but girls too.  I understand that not everyone has a father like that.  If you don't I think that it would be worthwhile to have your boy get a mentor.  A godly older man in your church or neighborhood or something.

Dad's (or mentor or grandfathers):  Take the guys hunting or spend time out in the park throwing a football then go and get a ginormous ice cream.  Talk to them about themselves and what's going on in their lives.   For girls, take them anywhere really.  I know that I love to go running with my dad or if he has to run errands I often tag along.  I even go to some of the funerals that he does.

Another thing: Don't freak out if your kid tells you something that you didn't want to hear.  Like if Suzy tells you that she likes Billy and Billy is one of the most perverted sixteen year olds that you know of.   It tells you something that they trust you when they tell you their secrets.  After you talk about it for a while, then you might want to subtly warn your daughter.   Obviously, if she's sneaking out with a guy or something dreadful like that, then you'll want to put your foot down and talk to her and probably punish her.

I'm  not saying that discipline is unnecessary, it is.  If my parents didn't punish me, I'd be one awful person.  Just don't punish for the wrong reasons or the wrong way.  If your daughter comes down with a skirt that you don't approve of, don't shame her in front of the rest of the family and start a bad day. Maybe pull your daughter aside and gently explain to your daughter why her skirt isn't appropriate and suggest that she put on something else or do something to alter the one she's got on, like using leggings or something.

This is my humble opinion.  I just think that parents should be involved with their kids.  I think that if parents took time to be great parents and friends to their teens things would be so much better.
So correct me if I'm wrong, I just thought I would write this from one person's opinion, mine :)

Yay, I'm Back!

So I have had probably like 20 people asking me why I'm not blogging anymore.  I am, but have been so busy I haven't had time to write.  It's sad, I know :(  

I could probably write a book on everything that has happened.  And now I have a cold, meaning life has slowed down for me, as my mother has me smothered in garlic salve.  Yes, I smell like garlic bread..... So school is starting again.  We are in the process of changing curriculums for school since things are getting more intense for high school and everything.  I'm not ready for school, who is?  You see, I haven't gotten to my quota of sleeping in.

We also just got back from vacation.  So I'm pretty tired, considering that I'd wake up in the middle of the night in a really strange room with a cold.  My throat and nose were really, really bad.    However, I was thrilled to find the TV show Larkrise to Candleford!!!  It was also really nice seeing my cousins again since they live in Virginia.

I am ready for Fall (you may now crucify me for my love of cold) But evidently it's supposed to be a really cold winter, which means I'm now driving my parents nuts telling them how we should have gotten a house with a wood burning fireplace or stove or something.  I think that would be so cozy.  My grandparents used to have two.  And we would play games and just talk or whatever (with  popcorn, of course)  those are some of my favorite memories.  Of course I was about 8 and I was the most obnoxious eight-year-old ever.  First of all,  I wouldn't shut up.  I could talk a blue streak.  I've since gotten a lot quieter and shyer, I'm not sure that it's a good thing though.  Being so shy often can make you look unfriendly or stuck up, which I hope I'm not, it's kind of a rough thing because if I'm nervous I can flip to the other extreme of appearing super talkative and insecure or something.  Sigh, I drive myself nuts.  I just think that maybe I should just do something, I'm not sure what.


Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Ok, folks.  I will write, soon...I hope.  I'll make time.  I have a lot to share with everyone but I've been really busy and haven't had a lot of time.  Miss my blogging though :(   See y'all soon!  <3

Monday, June 9, 2014

So who are we?  Believe it or not, this is not an idle question.  So really, who are we?  As Christians who are we?  Are we mediocre Christians or real?  Are we living as we should or are we just hanging out in the gray areas?  I ask myself this question a lot.  What kind of influence to we set for nonbelievers?  Do they see loving, real Christ followers? Or a bunch of "Christians" going through the motions?  Who am I?  How do I come across?  I know that I can be completely different depending on where I am.  So how can I change that?  What can I do to change?  How can I be someone who influences others?  Just a thought.  

20 Questions

I'm back! I didn't die or anything, I was just busy, with school.  The whole finishing up the year stuff that you do.  So I'm going to take time to answer a lot of questions that I get, on this blog so that I never have to answer them again, I hope :)  

1. What is my favorite animal?
my favorite domesticated animal is a dog, my favorite undomesticated animal is a bear

2. What is my favorite color?
Green.

3. Do I like to sew?
No, I hate sewing.

4. Do I like crafts?
Nope.

5. Is my hair naturally that crazy curl?
Unfortunately yes.

6. Who is my favorite sibling?
Now that is unfair.

7.  Am I a health person like my mom?
Didn't used to be, now I am. 

8. What is your favorite food?
Unhealthy food: ice cream.  Healthy food: fruit. 

9. What is my favorite way to pass the time?
Rainy days: read or watch a chick flick.  Sunny Days: Be outside.

10.  Favorite season? 
Fall, then Winter.  Oddly enough I LOVE the cold.  I get a lot of weird looks when I say that. 

11. Do I like to swim?
Nope. hate swimming, getting wet and smelling like chlorine. 

12.  Who is my favorite celebrity? 
Not really into pop culture.  

13. Do I like Justin Bieber?
Not on your life!!!

14.  What is my favorite instrument?
Quite obviously, the violin.

15.  Am I dating anyone?
Nope. And I have very little interest in beginning any relationship.

16.  Who is my hero?
My dad.

17. If I could go anywhere where would it be?
Ireland. 

18.  If I could have anything in the world (besides a violin that I'm not renting) what would it be?
A male Irish Wolfhound.

19.  Am I super outgoing or super shy?
tend towards shy when you first know me, once you do know me I can talk a blue streak :)

20.  What is my favorite sport?
Cross country. 



Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Mussorgsky - Great Gate of Kiev (Богатырские ворота), Amazing performanc...

I Can Only Imagine ~ MercyMe w/ London Symphony Orchestra

NeedtoBreathe - Something Beautiful w/ lyrics

Better than a Hallelujah (lyrics) Amy Grant

How about some new songs?  Just a note, every song that I have ever posted on this blog, are ones that mean a lot to me.  So when you listen to the songs you are getting to see a bit of me too (sorta, kinda, maybe)   Thank you!!! 
Here's from my devotional,
ya get a two in one today! :

I want you to know how safe and secure you are in My Presence.  That is a fact, totally independent of you feelings.  You are on your way to heaven; nothing can prevent you from reaching that destination.  There you will see Me face-to-Face, and your Joy will be off the charts by any earthly standards.  Even now, you are never separated from Me, though you must see me through eyes of faith.  I will walk with you till the end of time and onward into eternity. 

Although My Presence is a guaranteed promise, that does not necessarily change your feelings.  When you forget I am with you, you may experience loneliness or fear.  It is through awareness of My Presence that Peace displaces negative feelings practice the discipline of walking consciously with me through each day.  



When your sins with heavily upon you, come to Me. Confess your wrongdoing, which I know all about before you say a word.  Stay in the Light of My Presence, receiving forgiveness, cleansing, and healing.  Remember that I have clothed you in My righteousness, so nothing can separate you from Me.  Whenever you stumble or fall, I am there to help you up. 

Man's tendency is to hide from his sin, seeking refuge in the darkness.  There he indulges in self-pity, denial, self-righteousness, blaming, and hatred.  But I am the Light of the world, and My illumination decimates the darkness.  Come close to me and let My Light envelop you, driving out darkness and permeating you with Peace.  

WHAT A WEEK!

What a week!  First my little sister celebrated her ninth birthday!  Yes, she did get her ears pierced! But one of the earrings was done wrong, so she has to get it done again :(  I could tell that having them done really hurt her, but she was a brave girl! She did get the movie "Frozen" from me, plus the movie "Back to the Secret Garden" which is one of my favorites.

Yesterday I was walking through the field that separates my house from my grandparents house, Grampa oversees our algebra (poor guy, that is no easy job! especially when I'm complaining)  and was walking in my usual style, which is not watching where I'm going.  I was looking at something, and so I had my head turned back over my shoulder when I feel something slimy and wet envelope my foot, flip flop and all.   I had stepped in a mud puddle.  I have never minded getting dirty (I'm not one of those super clean, afraid of dirt type of girl)  but when I'm on my way to school and am running kinda late, I did not exactly appreciate my foot dunking.

The joy of my life right now is going over to visit my little birdie friends who have parked their nest under the slide on our play house.  I love getting to go and see the tiny little birds (who by the way, are absolutely some of the cutest things I have ever seen)  who are growing fast into little robins.  Their mommy and daddy are tolerant of my visits, though I think that they are often quite anxious for me to leave.  Frankly I can't blame them, if I had kids that cute (in a more humanly way, of course)  they would never leave the house.  

Grannie and Grandad are coming this week! Yay!  I'm jumping up and down, literally.  I don't get to see them often, since they live in Virginia, and I do not.  So it's always a treat to have them come up our way to see us.

I made german chocolate pecan pie Sunday.  It was amazing, if I do say so myself.  I love the recipe, it's the kind that I would hand out to random people on the street (not really)  but it is really good.  It's very rich, so it does limit one to about one piece, which is a good thing I guess.


Monday, May 12, 2014

Britt Nicole-Look Like Love-Lyrics

Forever Love by Francesca Battistelli

Fix My Eyes Lyrics-4K&C

Pretzels

I am semi obsessed about pretzels right now!  Ok, REALLY obsessed.  I know that it is kinda weird that this would be my latest obsession, but I have been known to do really weird things.  I cannot decide which appeals to me more,  snack pretzels or soft pretzels.  Both sound pretty good.  So if anyone wants to make my day, bring me a pretzel!  Actually, you don't have to.  :)
Hopefully I am not scaring anyone with the information that I am really, really craving pretzels.
Usually it's other things, this is just one of the odder ones.  Like normally it's oranges, preferably orange juice.  I really do love oranges, but not orange flavored popsicles or candy, those taste like metal or something.  It has to be the real stuff.  I think that part of the reason that I all I think about is pretzels, is the fact that I won't let myself stop thinking about them.
Hey, there's a pretzel background that I can use for this blog.  I should totally try that.

Now everyone knows that I love to put music from youtube up on this blog.  It's because I'm always finding amazing songs that I love.  Now God speaks to me through music (probably because I love it so much)  I love to play my pretty little violin, Ginger, too.  I play the piano.  Someday a banjo will enter our midst.  I tried doing the guitar, but I just couldn't.  So, I content myself with tuning my sister's.   Poor, guitar.  I almost killed it in the process, I guess I'm just not cut out to play it.
Can't do anything wind.  I try doing recorder, trumpet, anything and I lost my wind. Hahaha! (that was a joke) I'm string person I guess (except for the guitar).

Now I am still trying to figure out how I got from pretzels to music.  It's sort of creeping me out! Sometimes I can't even follow my own thoughts.  

A Random Collection Of My Thoughts And What Is Going On In My World

So I'm sitting here in front of my computer with sunshine and birds singing in the background,  a sweatshirt on that is really warm and comfy, my hair has decided that it wants to go every which way (how I envy people with straight hair!), and a lot on my mind.

So I was looking back on some recent posts and was thinking that I sounded depressed.  Now I'm super cheerful.  Maybe it was just the break I had, getting to spend  a lovely few days in Cincinnati,  got to see a wonderful friend of mine,  maybe it is because I went shopping and got some cute clothes (it's a girl thing),  or maybe it's just because I'm pushing out of my mind all the things that I still have to get done.  I still have to memorize those verses, think about some things that are going on, the bathroom is crying out for me to clean it, and the school that needs to be done if I want a summer break.  It's my theory that because of algebra and science, I will never live to see my high school graduation.

Mothers Day was yesterday!  I love Mothers Day.  It always makes me think about how much my own mother means to me.  Mom is probably one of my favorite people on earth.
And it gives me an excuse to wear a dress to church (I generally do not like to wear dresses.  I'm a jeans and sweatshirt type of person.  I hate dressing up.)
Doesn't it bring to mind how much moms do?  I mean, rarely do I see my mom doing nothing, she's always up and going.   I really appreciate my mom and all that she does.

So my little sister's ninth birthday is coming up this week.  She is so excited!  It's her birthday wish to get her ears pierced, we'll see about that.  I love to tease my sister about not getting her anything.  Well, that didn't go over too well, now she's getting a one-way airplane ticket to Guatemala! :)  (I'm assuming I spelt that correctly?)  She will not be getting a ticket to Guatemala from me, but don't tell her that!  I'm going between the movie Frozen (though I am thoroughly SICK of the song, Let It Go,  then why don't they just let it go? :))  or a gift card to some place like Toys R Us, or something.
Do not tell her that I am sharing my secrets with the world!



Thursday, May 1, 2014

Jamie Grace - Hold Me featuring tobyMac (Official Music Video)

Jamie Grace - Beautiful Day (Official Lyric Video)

All I Can Do (Thank You) MIKESCHAIR - HQ With Lyrics

Copy of Mandisa Overcomer with lyrics

Control, Or Not.

Does it ever seem like there are just seasons in your life that when everything seems to be out of your control?  I'm in one of those.  It seems like I can't do anything right, or even when I am doing things right something comes along and messes everything up.  It seems like life is spinning in one crazy circle with me at the center, feeling quite alone and confused.  Ok, so I do like to know that things are in control, by me, and that everything will turn out fine.  Right now I don't have the assurance that everything will turn out fine.  Everything seems to hang up in the air, barely out of reach of my hands.  Just when I think that everything will turn out, something changes.  I'm more than slightly confused on what step to take.  Whether to crawl in bed and never get back up or square my shoulders and face it.  Just hang on until things settle down.  It brings to mind Britt Nicole's song "Hanging On",  yes, it is on this blog.  

I think that God uses these times to test me and strengthen me.  He know my weaknesses, He wants to know whether I will trust Him or try to take matters into my own hands.  I need to remember that it is He who is in control, not me.  He know where I will be ten years from now, I don't.  He know everything past, present, and future.  He whispers to me, softly.  He tells me that He knows where I am going.  That I should focus on the now, not the tomorrow.  That even if things never turn out how I would like them to, He will work it all out for His greater glory.  I'm only one person, one insignificant life.  But using me, He can further His kingdom.   Even if He wants to use the bad.

Good grief, I just convinced myself writing this!!! I didn't even know some of these things until just now!  That's just me, my life!  

Me and Buttons.....

my baby, sort of :)

following in the footsteps of his big sis, brother, and daddy.  Our little fan!

I can't stop giving kisses to this little guy...

however, sometimes he's had enough! 

Thursday, April 24, 2014

Now What?

I was really busy this past week, but now it seems like everything slowed down.  Now I'm depressed. I'm someone who actually loves being busy, so for me to have nothing to do is like caging a wild animal.  I'm grumpy.  So I told my mom that I was in a "Grinchy" mood, gotta love Dr. Seuss! :)
All I've got is school, that's no fun! And normal stuff, definitely not cool!  I need to be busy and exhausted when I go to bed at night, otherwise I'm going to really lose my mind.  I'm like that, I actually have more trouble with sin and anger when I haven't been busy.

It's important for me to slow down and catch my breath (I'm very introverted) but too much of doing nothing will make me lose my mind.  All I've got going on is school (really looking forward to summer vacation), violin and that's almost done, and church.  Church is an entirely different subject.  I'm originally from a smaller church so moving to a big one is a HUGE adjustment.  It's constant pressure when I'm there.   Here I was talking about how busy and fulfilled I felt just a few weeks ago! ERR! Something is not right about that.  I think that it's unfair, actually.  Now I'm going to have to find ways to keep me occupied, or I'll lose my mind (wait, I already said that!)

Between testing and 4-H I've managed to keep half of my sanity, but even that is dwindling.
I need something to do.  If anyone has any ideas......
So what am I supposed to do now? This restlessness is not pleasant, so I need a bit more purpose.  Purpose as in something I enjoy (not chores, mom, :))  Like music, babysitting, and even writing. You guys know me, I LOVE writing.  So thank you, God, for this blog! It keeps me going somedays!!! 
From my favorite devotional:

Rest in the stillness of My Presence while
I prepare you for this day.  Let the radiance of My Glory shine 
upon you as you wait on Me in confident trust.  Be still, and know that I am God.
There is both a passive and an active side to trusting Me.  As you rest in My Presence, focusing on Me, I quietly build bonds of trust between us.  When you respond to the circumstances of your life with affirmations of trust, you actively participate in this process.

I am always with you, so you have no reason to be afraid.  your fear after manifests itself in excessive planning.  Your mind is so accustomed to this pattern of thinking that you are only now becoming aware of how pervasive it is and how much it hinders you intimacy with Me.  Repent of this tendency and resist it when ever you realize you are wandering down this well-worn path.  Return to My Presence, which always awaits you in the present moment. 
I accept you back with no condemnation


What doTERRA Has Done

Here's from my brother's recent writing assignment:

"Hi, my name is Mark M Words.   For the past few years I had been having head-splitting headaches, nausea,  diarrhea, constipation, gastro issues, and cramping.   My wife Belinda was at a loss as to what to do for me.  We had tried steroids, epsom-salts, yoga,  the paleo-diet, and many other painful and humiliating so-called remedies.  Then a few months ago one of my third cousins twice removed god us about a company called doTERRA that makes oils with natural healing properties.  At first my wife didn't believe the man.  So, my third cousin twice removed sent us a few doTERRA sample bottles.  Immediately I had relief, I am now a firm believer in doTERRA and have gone into marketing their essential oils.  I hope that you can use and enjoy doTERRA oils just as much as I have.  May you enjoy a symptom free life of no problems. 

Mark M Words



Can you tell what has been happening in our house lately?  :)

Thursday, April 17, 2014

And Yet Another Dream, Again!

So you know that board game, "Clue".  I lived it, in my dream.  So I'm the red person, Miss Scarlet? And I'm trying to figure out who murdered that guy who's been murdered.  Everywhere I go, the body followed me, I also felt guilty about something, and it was really weird.  It was the Mustard guy that cracked the case.  Turns out, I was the murderer, so that's why I felt guilty.  Telling this to my mom, she asks, "So how did you know that you were the murderer?"  My response, "Uh, they told me."
I have no idea why I even dreaming about clue.  I wasn't even thinking about it before I fell asleep.
Oh, I think I killed the guy in the dining room with a candlestick.  If anyone knows how you can actually kill someone with a candlestick, please let me know because I have no clue.  I must have been REALLY tired that night.  

Lies I Have And Do Believe

Truth: God loves you and wants to be your Best Friend.
Lie: Forget it, nobody could love me after what I've done.

Truth: Because of Jesus dying on the cross, you are forgiven.
Lie: I cannot ever be forgiven,  I'm too bad.

Truth: God sometimes lets bad things happen, but it for your own good.
Lie: No just and loving God would allow the things to happen that happened to me.

Truth: You do not need to be ashamed of who you are,  you're beautiful because God created you.
Lie: I'll never measure up to the standard of beauty in this world, therefore, I'm ugly.

Truth: You can defeat the evil that you struggle with, with God's saving grace and mercy.
Lie: I'm a hopeless case. I can never be free from temptation.

Truth: You have My love and acceptance, you don't need human acceptance, it is fleeting and often hurtful.
Lie: To be worth something, I need to have the acceptance of people.

Truth: You are a beautiful person, just let the glory of God shine through you.
Lie: I have to hide who I really am, or people will see too much and see who I really am.

Truth: I will bring the right guy to you someday, wait on My perfect timing.
Lie: I need a guy's attention to be loved and accepted by everyone.

The list goes on and on.  How many nights have I cried myself to sleep because I just don't measure up to the world's standards.  I don't have the model's perfect body, face, and hair.  I will never be perfect.  Yes, I struggle, everyday.  I'm going through a tough time right now.  It's not easy.  However God is there.  I just need to seek, then I will find.  I just need to  knock, and the door will be opened to me.



Button Boy

Isn't it funny how things turn out?  When my mother was expecting my youngest brother, Elijah, I had mixed feelings.  When my parents first told me that we had another sibling on the way, I was shocked.  I did what I usually do when  I'm shocked, nervous, or angry; I cried.  Then as time went on, I started to think.  For firsts, I HATE change (funny since we usually move every five years and usually it's out of the country)  then I am the middle child and the quietest.  My other two siblings demand a lot more attention than I do, resulting in myself generally getting accidentally overlooked. Then it was a tough time for me spiritually.  Yes, I was giving God the silent treatment.  I had a lot of pent up anger, I kinda took it out on this unborn baby.   Then Elijah Luke was born.  I fell in love with the tiny button-like face (I do call him my "button boy")  He has a really good temperament,  resulting in my liking him more.  I tend to easily "lose it" with fussy infants around.  Then he absolutely adores all of us.  He loves the time he spends with each of us.

He is probably now one of my favorite kids on earth!  He was the one who melted all the stoniness and anger in me.  Often when people asked me (when my mother was still pregnant) if I was excited I felt cornered.  What was I supposed to say?  "No. I'm not.  God and I are not speaking, I'm angry about having to change churches, my friend leaving, and God seeming to ignore me.  I'm taking it out on this little guy."  So I made up something like, "Uh, well, uh....I haven't really, uh, thought about it."  If I ever said that to you (can't remember everyone I did it to) please know that I was just one hurt and crying person on the inside.  

This little boy has also opened up some emotional scars that I had forgotten about, rather, I blocked them from my mind.  That hasn't been easy, but it has been good for me.  Yes, I have been scarred and those scars have been opened up again, but maybe that was a good thing.  I am so thankful  for my "Button Boy"!

My Button Boy 
Two very different faces 

Just plain tuckered out
Boy Meets Dog 
Sleeping Beauty 

Monday, April 14, 2014

Group 1 Crew - Walking on the Stars (Lyrics)

Britt Nicole - Still that Girl - Lyrics

Welcome to My Life

So if you don't know me very well, this post will give you a little peak into my life (and stupidity).

After agreeing to play in the orchestra for the W Chapel campus for Easter I decided that I was going to die.  Well after the first service that I played in (yesterday for Palm Sunday) I realized that I wasn't going to die, I was merely going barely survive for the next week.  AUGH!  Then my family (who are ever supportive of my dreams, even when that meant that I was going to the Fiji islands, when I graduated from medical school, What?!? OK, so I was ELEVEN!) suggested that after I finish here in my favorite place on earth (my nice little W town) that I should try for playing in the A Chapel campus's  orchestra, every Sunday.  I'm convinced that I would lose my sanity, though everyone else thinks that I could do it.  I've got nothing against considering it, but anyone who has ever played a stringed instrument (I'm a string person through and through) especially the violin,  knows that when you play in an orchestra or band or something, you will most likely be playing with FOUR flats.  Like my life wasn't bad enough.

I told a lie, W town is not my favorite place on earth though I do love it a lot.  The Blue Ridge Mountains are my favorite place on earth.  When we went up there for a few days about a year ago, I fell so in love with the area that I never wanted to leave.  I'm pulling for the Smokies and Montana now.....

This morning (no I'm not A.D.D. because I'm skipping topics)  my gramma and I were singing In The Garden,  I love that hymn.  (Gramma helps me with voice when we can)  I love how the person who wrote the song loved being with Jesus all day, and didn't even want to leave when it was time to go and have a good night's sleep. Wouldn't that be awesome?  To love to be with God so much that you just couldn't get enough of Him?  I'm far from that, but I wish that I could be like that.  What is even more special to me is that God Himself would love to spend an entire day, just with me.  That blows me away.  Why on earth would someone as perfect as God want to spend so much time with me?  Me, who gets so caught up in her own "problems" that she can't think about others?  Me, who pushes God out of the picture when I've found something that I think would be so much more interesting?  Me, who knows what God doesn't like, but does it anyway?  Me, who just can't seem to be able to give control to God because I want to be in control of my own life?  Me, who is so concerned about what people think and the future that I don't even think to ask God to direct me?

I really love music (well, everything except gospel. Not sure why.) It seems that it's also the way that God and I communicate best, that's why I'm always posting different music on this blog, mostly they're all songs that made me cry.  That's why I really love orchestras (except for when I'm playing in them, because then I'm a terrible case of nerves) One of my favorite things to do is to pray when I go running.  Doesn't it just seem that God is right there with you when you're in nature? And talking to Him also keeps my mind off of the agonizing pain I always get in either my knee or side.   I love having my devotions outside in the summer, getting up early and sitting on our back patio with the trees and birds and dog, just being with God.  Journaling is really hard for me (why would I want to write about my life? It's all school!) so my diary is a diary to God.  Really just letters to Him.  God finds the most creative ways to convict me (it's so annoying)  and usually it's when I'm in my room with the door closed and turned up stereo trying to forget about all the problems and things that are going on.  Yes, it's the music.  I seriously didn't know that TobyMac could be so thought provoking, or that Britt Nicole could make me sniffle,  even Tenth Avenue North was making me cry like nuts.
Welcome to my life.....




Wednesday, April 2, 2014

So in case you haven't noticed, I love to post some of my favorite songs.....

Arms that Hold the Universe - 33Miles

Britt Nicole - Hanging On (Lyrics!)

Beautiful - MercyMe | With Lyrics

Shame


Shame

I can't hide it even though I try.
Can't deny it, though I haven't the strength to cry.
Can't believe that things could be different.
Can't be who I am, because then you'll see.

You'll see who I am, not who I try to be.
You'll see that I'm hiding everything deep inside of me.
You'll see all the laughter and confidence is fake.
You'll see that I'm not who I want to be.

I want to be free from this pain, I want the wounds to heal.
Though sometimes I feel like I've lost the ability to feel
To feel the hurt that has been given to me.
To feel the emotions that should come from deep inside me.

I don't understand why things happened,
All I know is that someone had planned.
Planned to use my story, sad though it is,
But to use it for some purpose, to let me win. 

This is a poor excuse for a piece a of poetry, but I think that it gets the point across.
Shame haunts so many of us.  I am no exception.  I just want to feel confident in shy, little me.
To be able to not feel guilty about what I have done, that I really have the opportunity to change.



Liana: "I am so sick of school! Like I could die!"

Li: "But studying hard will allow you to have a break this summer."

Liana: "I know, but it already looks like I'll be working at least through June!" 

Li: "But that was your own fault.  When you should have been working you were dreaming away the time, like you didn't have anything to do." 

Liana: "Yeah, but I was tired.  I deserved a break." 

Li: "Even though the "break" lasted almost the entire time you were supposed to be studying?" 

Liana: "This is SO annoying!!" 

Li: "What is? Your school or your attitude?"

Liana: "Duh! My school.  My attitude is great! Totally cheerful, Ok?  I can't help it that Algebra and I don't understand each other or that science and I do not agree on anything!" 

Li: "Who's been walking around like a ogre for two weeks?  Who's been trying to get out of everything hard?  And who has been complaining daily since September about your own lack of motivation?"  

Liana: "Ok, so I've been just a little grumpy.  Get over it! I deserve a life apart from textbooks you know!"  

Now, which one am I? 

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Day By Day

Here's from my all-time favorite hymn!


Day By Day
Day by day and with each passing moment, Strength I find to
meet my trials here; Trusting in my Father's wise bestowment,
I've no cause for worry or for fear.  He whose heart is kind 
beyond all measure Gives unto each day what He deems best
 Lovingly it's part of pain and pleasure, Mingling toil with peace and rest

Every day the Lord Himself is near me With a special 
mercy for each hour; All my cares He fain would bear, and cheer me,
He whose name is Counselor and Pow'r.  The protection of His
 Child and treasure Is a charge that on Himself He laid; "As thy 
days, thy strength shall be in measure." This the pledge to me He made.

Help me then in every tribulation so to trust Thy 
promises, O Lord, that I lose not faith's sweet consolation
offered me within Thy holy word.  Help me, Lord, when toil and
trouble meeting, E'er to take, as from a father's hand, One by one, 
the days, the moments fleeting, till I reach the promised land. 


How Great Is Our God?

It never ceases to amaze me how much God seems to drop opportunities into my lap.  I pulled out of activities that I felt were influencing me in the wrong direction and was feeling lonely without the peer companionship that I was used to.  Yet it seems like God wants me doing things.  First,  I get the opportunity to play for the church in the orchestra for the Easter week, even if I can only play a few of the songs.  Then God leads my friend and I to host a conference (online, from the REAL conference taking place in Colorado), my music is keeping me crazy busy.  Funny, since I had been wanting to focus more on music rather than myself :)  It seems that even when I am lonely for my peers, God  just shows me that He is my Best Friend and He will never leave me, no matter how isolated from the world I feel.

It also seems like God is slowly, yet surely, showing me that He is the One that is stealing my heart.  Every time that I make a mistake (which is quite often) He gently coaxes me back to Himself, no matter how rebellious and angry I am.
What a wonderful God we serve!  It amazes me how much God loves me, even after He sees the deepest parts of my heart, with all the sin and dirtiness there.  Especially after an extreme struggle with guilt.  I was feeling like, even though I had been forgiven, that it wasn't enough.  That I needed to do something else.  I wasn't worth the trouble of dying for.  Why did Jesus die for me? I totally don't deserve it! Why did He take the punishment that was mine?  Why does He want such a sinner as I to live in His paradise with Him?
The answer is simple:  He loves me.  He loves all the anger, bitterness, rebellion, and scars that come with me.  Yes, He let bad things happen.  Yes, I was hurt and carry scars.  Yet He allowed these things to happen so that I would love Him more, so that I would not take His great Gift of Salvation for granted.  He loves all the bad, all the good, and this love is unconditional; meaning that He'll love us NO MATTER WHAT.  I could be the most sinful person in the world, and He would love me with a love so great that He would die that terrible death all over again, just for me.  How wonderful is that? He so deserves my love and adoration.  That's the least that I can give Him.

It's my dream to serve my Creator to my utmost ability.  Even in the little things, like not snapping at younger siblings when they annoy me (yes, I need to work on that) and being a friend that never judges, being an accepting person no matter what.  I want to be the kind of person that people will love, not for me, but for Who lives inside of me.  Without Jesus, I'm worthless.  Ugly, sinful, and unlovable.  But with Jesus I'm beautiful, holy, and priceless, not because of me.  I'm only human, but because of Jesus who radiates through me.  He makes me worth something, He's the beauty (I'm not talking about physical beauty, I'm talking about beauty as a person) He makes me Holy, unblemished, without sin.  He makes me priceless because of His Spirit living inside of me.  This is who I want to be, I've got a way to go but someday, through the grace of God, I'd like it to become a reality. 

Thursday, March 20, 2014

https://www.icloud.com/iw/#pages/BAIWkjWtrSW0h6DbP2iBHaR0pCJPlAYc6RCF/devotional_march_17

Monday, March 17, 2014

I just love this song.  It's just beautiful!  Please watch!!!

Vince Gill - Go Rest High On That Mountain

A Trip Down Memory Lane

We have recently adopted the practice of  a Sunday drive.   So after an insanely busy morning of having to get to church really early (too early),  crazy time there of running between this place and that, and having to leave early to get to an orchestra practice.  After a time at home to eat and get my thoughts together we went for our drive.   We mainly went to our old neighborhood and former favorite ice cream place.  Even though they shrunk the size of the cones :(
I have to say that remembering the "good old days" and realizing that what I thought was so large at one time, is actually rather small.  I remembered the neighborhood through the eyes of  a nine-year-old and it was a bit of a shock to see that what I thought was so beautiful and big is actually kinda worn down and small.

I have to say that I have wonderful memories of the life in that area.  I remember being so carefree and happy, absolutely no care in the world except for what 3x3 was, and just being a little girl.
Sometimes I wish that I could go back to that.  Being little and innocent.  That I wouldn't have to worry about this or that, or that I would have all the free time and laughter  that used to exist.  It seems that the older I get the bigger my problems become, the decisions get bigger, and I don't have that whole childish enthusiasm and innocent look on life.   I have such special memories of playing all day, taking care of a stray cat that was afraid of cars (we called her "Prissy")  and spending time with the other little kids on the street.   I also feel a bit sad, like I wish that things could have just stayed like that, forever.   I'm not exactly sure when everything changed.  Sometimes I feel like it never did, but that I did.  Or that it all changed and left me the same.  Maybe it's a bit of both.    I look at old scrapbooks, I see the pictures, and I feel empty, like change happened before I was ready, or maybe I'm sentimental.  I see baby pictures of myself, and I think "Wow, I can't believe that's me."
Or I see people again that I haven't seen since I was pretty young and they tell me about this or that memory, it's almost like another person's story is your own.  Like it wasn't really you that they're talking about, it was someone else.  

The biggest trial of my eight-year-old life was battling with a bunch of twelve-year-olds who thought that the clubhouse (the "clubhouse" was a few trees bent together to form a little tree hut) was not ours, but theirs.
The hardest decision was trying to figure out how I should make the mommy pencil kiss the baby pencil (yes, I created entire pencil worlds)   My biggest wish was that I would get a new bike, you see my old one had stickers all over the front.   The most disgusting thing that ever happened to me was that my parents didn't let me play with those "Barbie Dolls",   I have since thanked them.  The thing that made me cry hardest, was accidentally running my three-year-old sister over, which resulted in a skinned nose.  My best friends were two dogs.  Mutts that I loved without reserve.   I am so thankful for the childish life that I was able to lead for so long.   

Monday, March 10, 2014

Casting Crowns - "Jesus Friend of Sinners" with lyrics

How Do I Do It?

How do I do it?  I often ask myself that question.  How do I pretend to be one person and really be another?  Why do I live  a mediocre life, hiding the facts about me?  Why do I want to be in control of my own life, when giving it over to my Creator?  Why do I allow myself to justify my words and actions that are not glorifying or loving?   Am I afraid or just stubborn and rebellious?  Why am I waiting?  What does God have for me? Am I putting off my life for selfish pleasures?  What could I be doing that I'm not?  Could I be doing something more?  And if I could, what would it be?  Why do I mess up and then kill myself over it?  Is something wrong with me?  Why do I walk down the path of darkness with no light to guide me?  Why?

I have written on this blog.   I have shared thoughts.  I have told of my experiences.  Yet none of it was really me.  I was hiding.  Hiding behind the one thing that made me look good.  And I was miserable.   I could have been doing more, yet I wasn't.   I was plagued with guilt.  With anger.  And I was convinced I was unlovable.  It was wrong.  It was sad.   Yet that whole time,  Someone was watching, waiting, and gently calling.  Calling me to Himself.  I found something that I never thought existed, a love deeper than the deepest ocean, higher than the highest mountain, it reached to the furthest star in the heavens, and it was directed at me.   "I repented of my ways and you answered me."  I was lost.  And I was found.  I was hiding.  And I was sought.   I have been called, and I have rejoiced in my calling.  I have been on a journey.  Long and hard, and it will continue until the day I die.  I have found that living a life set apart to my Creator is worthwhile, is wonderful, and without want.    Why did I wait so long?  It won't be easy to settle into a new way of life, yet I'm determined to do it.  I'm slowly, yet surely, falling in love with my King.  And He will direct my paths, even if I do go through the valley of shadow and death, but I will not be afraid, for He will never forsake me.   Does this mean that I am now no fun, that I make no mistakes, that I will never cry again.  No.  I still laugh with my friend and spend time with them, though I no longer seek to make myself liked.   I still make mistakes, quite frequently,  I'm far from perfect.   I cry.  We all do.  There is nothing shameful in that,  God created tears.  He made us to feel emotions, to relieve the pain with our tears.   I pray that I may be a light in this present day, while we wait for the hope, the glorious appearing of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ.   

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

What Can We Do?

Here's some quotes from a book by Leslie Ludy (one of my favorite Christian authors):
(This is from her book Set-Apart Femininity the chapter I'm going to use is titled Sacred Claim)

"Modern Christianity goes out of it's way to convince us that the Christian life is all about us
The majority of today's Bible studies, sermons, and Christian books causes us to focus on what we are feeling, what we are needing, and what we are struggling with.  here is the publisher's description of that popular women's book Captivating.  "The message of Captivating is this:  Your heart matters more than anything else in all creation"  And what is mean by the term "your heart?" According to the author of the book,  "The heart is who we are.  The real self.  me.  My heart is me.  The real me.  your heart is you." 
So in other words,  you matter more than anything else in all creation. 
Really?
Do you matter more than the 143 million orphans around the world, starving, scared, abandoned, and alone?  Do you matter more than the millions of Latin American street children who hide in alleys and old buildings to escape the "death squads" of corrupt policemen who hunt them down for sport?  Do you natter more than the millions of elementary school-aged girls kept as slave prostitutes in South America?  Do you matter more than the millions of starving kids who live in dups and eat buzzard soup or dead dogs to survive?  Do you matter more than the countless African boys who have seen their parents killed and been forced to rape or kill to stay alive?  Do you matter more than the scores of six-year-old African girls who have been repeatedly brutalized and raped by HIV-infected men? 


While American Christians are preoccupied with healing their own inner wounds, being set free to be their true selves, and fighting to be notice and appreciated for their own unique qualities, staggering numbers of people around the world are living in such misery, squalor, and pain that we cannot even imagine. 

.... Their are 27 million slaves in the world today, which is higher than in the days of William Wilberforce or at any other time in history. 
We do not live in a world of peace and harmony.  There are urgent battles for injustice waiting to be fought.  There are countless human lives desperately waiting to be rescued.  There are millions of precious children facing unspeakable suffering.

....Most of us would be horrified at the thought of ignoring a cattle car of screaming Jews as they were hauled away to their deaths.  But we do it every single day when we turn a deaf ear and a blind eye to the millions of destitute and dying who urgently need our help.  We do it when we spend all our living on self-indulgent pleasures instead of on rescuing abandoned children.  We do it when we go on luxury cruises instead of outreaches to the poor.   We do it when we have movie marathons instead of prayer vigils for the oppressed.  We do it every time we make our own comforts and happiness the priority.  We do it whenever we fall for the idea that we are the most important people in all creation. 

.....Our hearts are not the most important things in the world.  The Down syndrome boy in Mexico City who sleeps on the street and begs for ford is the most important thing in the world.  The nine-year-old girl whose virginity is auctioned off to a roomful of despicable perverts is the most important thing in the world.  The impoverished prostitute who lives in the gutter and sells her body fora fees coins a day is the most important thing in the world.   The African boy-soldier who is forced to become a killing machine at the age of ten is the most important thing in the world.
Scripture says that God is no respecter of persons.  In other words, He does not withhold the blessings of His kingdom based on our race, sex, or background (Galations 3:28)  All of us are valuable and equal in His sight.  However, there are some people who have His special favor.  There are some who are extra close to His heart.  They are the poor, the weak, and the outcast.  The ones whom the world treats as scum are the ones we are called to treat as royalty. 

....the world is absolutely flooded with those who are destitute of daily food and clothes.  About 25,000 people die every day of hunger or hunger-related causes, according to the United Nations that's one person every three and a half seconds.  In Latin America and Africa, countless children are addicted to inhalants as a means of deadening their senses to their bodies' desperate cries for food.  in Liberia thousands of pregnant and young children pound rocks all day long on the side of a mountain and in the hot sun just to get one bowl of watery rice.   These people have a claim on your life.  They have a claim on my life.  They are a priority to Christ and therefore must become a priority to us.  If we are so preoccupied with self that we will not show the practical, life-changing, hope-giving love of Christ to them, our faith is dead."

This is sobering. What are we going to do?  We can't assume that someone is going to take care of the problem, we need to stand up.  When are we going to do so?  What is our reason for not doing so?  Why are we not doing so?  Isn't this our call in living a Christian life?  Why are we waiting?  Someday it is my goal to be able to stand before the throne of Jesus Christ and hear Him say, "Well don, my good and faithful servant, you have served me well."   How many people are going to spend an eternity in Hell if we don't do something?  How many innocent and beautiful children are going to perish if we don't do something?  This is a matter that the Lord has placed on my heart.  This is what troubles me,   if I don't do anything, who will? 

Monday, March 3, 2014

Banjo's? Anyone?

anybody out there in this vast,vast world play the banjo, know somebody who plays the banjo, has a banjo for sale, or has any priceless advice concerning the banjo?
In case you haven't figured it out, I am in the process of researching and trying to buy a banjo.   I would like to have one by the summer, but between violin expenses, birthday presents, and tithing I'm in a crunch.  On a whim I'm posting this.  If you know of anything at all, let me know!

 And I will be posting again about something much more personal when I have the time (like maybe next year, just kidding)  thank you!!!

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Downhere - Here I Am

if I could write a song, I would have written this one.  It's my favorite. 

Francesca Battistelli ~~ Motion of Mercy w/ Lyrics

Ohio Winters.....

Here's my favorite part of an Ohio winter:

This is view in our backyard.  The field to the right of our house is stunning.  Unfortunately I didn't take a picture :( I should have!
This is the from the front of our home.  The sunset was beautiful.  This picture just doesn't do it justice.  It only lasted a few minutes.






These are the moments that I just live for.  I just love where we live.  Even if we are in city limits (by about two feet)  otherwise I would have chickens.  I completely fall in love with nature seemingly every day.  

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Who Am I?

After my amazingly personal and thoughtful posts I did yesterday, I'm really not sure what to write.
I think part of the charm of blogging is that it's almost like a dramatic diary.  I have tried journaling, my results were awful I'm afraid, I just can't get into the idea that nobody will read it except me, there's no fun in that.  Why would I write down on paper my personal thoughts that no living soul would ever see, opposed to writing down my thoughts and the entire world has access.  It's not that I'm not a secretive person, I have plenty of secrets (no, I'm not going to tell you any) Neither am I a people person.  At times I can be the worse people hater and the next I'm a very friendly people lover (still not sure why I'm like that)   I just think that a blog is almost something that keeps me real.  People get to see a little peak into me as a person.  Not many people really know me.  I keep things very general when I talk to people, hardly ever get personal, and it doesn't help that I'm naturally kind of quiet.  Yet I love the idea that people are reading about me.  Yep, that's me, extremely "keep to myself" and at the same time loving the publicity (what?)
I'm still trying to figure this out myself I'm afraid.  If this doesn't make any sense to you, I totally understand.  It's not making any sense to me!

Actually, about nobody reads this blog so it's almost like a diary.  But I honestly love writing.  I am not the most exquisite talker and writing seems to give me a bit of a break from trying to be a magnificent talker :)  I don't like to be watched (I actually have severe stage fright) but I love having my work (writing) on display because it's essentially a part of who I am, yet it's not exactly the whole me (stay with me here)  I think that what I'm trying to say is that I don't like the physical me being put on display, but I like having my writing seen because it gives me that little bit of publicity that I can be in control of.   Hopefully this makes sense, and next time I'll hopefully write something much more eloquent.  

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Here What We're Not Saying

Read this:

Please....Hear What I'm Not Saying

Don't be fooled by me.  Don't be fooled by the mask I wear.  For I wear a mask, I wear a thousand masks, masks that I'm afraid to take off, and none of them is me.  Pretending is an art that is a second nature with me, but don't be fooled. 
....I give the impression that I'm secure, that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well as without; that confidence is my name and coolness is my game; that the waters are calm and that I'm in command and I need no one.  But don't believe it; please don't.
I idly chatter with you in the suave tones of surface talk.  I tell you everything that's really nothing, nothing of what's crying within me.  So when I'm going through my routine, don't be fooled by what I'm saying.  Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying;  what I'd like to be able to say; what, for survival, I need to say but I can't say.  I dislike the hiding.  Honestly I do.  I dislike the superficial phony games I'm playing. I'd really like to be genuine, spontaneous, and me; but you have to help me.  You have to help me by holding out your hand, even when that's the last thing I seem to want or need.  Each time you are kind and gentle and encouraging, each time you try to understand because you really care, my heart begins to grow wings.  Very small wings.  Very feeble wings.  But wings.  With your sensitivity and sympathy and your power of understanding, I can make it.  You can breathe life into me.  It will not be easy for you.  A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.  But love is stronger than strong walls, and therein lies my hope.  Please try to beat down those walls with firm hands, but with gentle hands,  for a child is very sensitive, and I am a child. 
Who am I, you may wonder.  For I am every man, every woman, every child....every human you meet. 

I think that this echoes my heart and many others.  Think of this when you look at people.  It makes you see them from a completely different set of eyes.  

My Life.....

here I am again, I have officially cured my dog from the enormous ice balls that he picked up during his play-time outside.  Now I'm going to give you a look into my heart and thoughts, because that's what your supposed to do on blogs.

I'm sure most of you will know my long life story that has been crammed into my short existence here on planet earth.  At the age of twelve months I was adopted from Russia, lived as a missionary kid in Spain for almost five years, then as a pastors kid for the last I can't remember how many years.  When I complain to my parents about my unfortunate life of being adopted, an MK, TCK, PK,  HK,  and WK.  I'll explain:  MK stands for missionary kid, TCK stands for third culture kid, PK stands for pastor's kid, HK stands for homeschooled kid, and WK stands for weird kid.  People are often surprised when I tell them how it's affected me being a missionary kid,  they're like, "But you left when you were five. How can that have affected you so much?"  It's not that simple.  Some of the most foundational years in a child's life is preschool and kindergarten.  I spent both those years overseas.  Third culture kid applies to missionary kid, military kid, basically anyone who has spent most of their lives moving around, whether in the States or overseas.  Being a pastor's kid has it's disadvantages, believe it or not.  Luckily my dad isn't the 'up front' guy any more, so I'm less known.  But often you feel like people know too much about you, they're judging you, talking about you behind your back, or thinking you're a goody-two-shoes because your dad is the pastor.  Some of these thoughts can be just a dose of your own imagination, but it doesn't stop the bit of resentment that you might feel because of it.  Being homeschooled can be a fun and not so fun.  If you tell someone that you're homeschooled you are automatically socially deprived, uneducated, and freak.  Now I am not socially deprived, definitely not uneducated (I can attest to that), and I don't think that I'm a freak.  Well, maybe I am because I don't stay out with friends after curfew, don't date, love my parents to death, appreciate my siblings, and am not always striving to be popular (I would rather be actually LIKED than popular where no one really cares about you as an individual human being)  I'm afraid all of the above make me weird.

Despite all this I appreciate what God has allowed to happen to me.  Being adopted has made me who I am today, and it gives me a deep love for children in other countries who are abandoned, or cannot be taken care of by their parents.   Being a former missionary kid (i kind of still am, only we're missionaries in the U.S.) has shown me that there's a lot more to life than small town Ohio.  I know that there is so much more to life than who's school beat who's in football.  I don't feel like I'm better than this people group because I happen to have white skin.  It just gives me a bigger, better love for people in general.  I'm homeschooled.  Hey, I have a generally good reputation, babysit for people during school hours,  I can make time for my family and friends, and I have better grades than the average public schooled kid. Living the life of a pastor's kid is lots of fun! Sometimes.  I know a lot of the behind the scenes stuff that most people wouldn't ever be told.  I know things before the rest of the church do, and I have more opportunities for reaching out to people in the area.

If you asked me what I want to be doing in ten years this is what I would tell you:
I will hopefully have graduated from medical school, woking as a full time R.N.  I will work near my home (i like my family too much to leave them) and will volunteer for disaster relief.  I want to be actively involved with my church music, youth, and mission trips.  I would love to be able to mentor younger girls. I will basically be a total set-apart girl and living the life God has given me.  Now I might not be doing that.  I might be giving shots to savages in the Amazon :)   Actually, it's just my goal to follow God's leading whether that's in Alaska, Mexico, China, or here in the USA.
Even in all the ugliness that comes with my life the pain, hurt, resentment, and insecurity I love that I have been able to live my life like I have. 

Monday, February 17, 2014

Just Me?

Is is just me or does everybody have those days where the world seems perfect (and i'm perfect too) and then the next day you just crash and things couldn't get any worse?  I think I can tell what mood I'm going to be in by my dreams.  Last night I dreamed that I was a little boy  (way too weird) and I died, that was a sad dream.  My alarm clock wakes me up, I struggle into the waking mode to get ready for the day,  then I'm over at my grandparent's trying to work through the type of story problems that you have nightmares about,  and here I am working on my blog trying to figure out, still, if I'm having a bad day or not.  I'm indecisive of whether it's bad or just worse.   I think that Monday's are usually hard for me because it's back to school after a glorious weekend of doing absolutely nothing, and then I'm back, slaving away at my textbooks.  I really don't care if cumulus clouds are fluffy,  or that Joe is eighteen years older that John and John is two years older than Meg,  nor do I care that shelves get dusty after a week and I need to take my duster to them, and I definitely don't care if the dishes sit in the sink for a week or that I have laundry spread all over my room (my mother does).
I think that I do care a little, but not enough to actually do what I need to do.  I'd much rather read a book and eat a doughnut (preferably a glazed doughnut, I'm not crazy about sprinkles)
Either this, or I need a serious nap seeing as my eyes are slowly shutting.   I thought caffeine was supposed to keep me awake, I loaded myself with it this morning and it seems to be accomplishing nothing.   Maybe I'm complaining to any listening ear.  Or I'm being hopelessly annoying, or I'm slowly going through denial that I'm alive.  Maybe these are just the random thoughts that come to my mind.  I'm rarely like this, so you can see now that I do have those days where I JUST DON'T CARE!!!  

Monday, February 10, 2014

Thought For Your Day

Here's a thought for the day:
from my grandmother's daily devotional.  This is the thought for my birthday, and my favorite.

I am pleased with you, my child.  Allow yourself to become fully aware of My pleasure shining upon you.  You don't have perform well in order to receive My Love.  In fact, a performance focus will pull you away from Me, toward some sort of Pharisaism.  This can be a subtle form of idolatry: worshiping your own good works.  It can also be a source of deep discouragement when your works don't measure up to your expectations.
       Shift your focus from your performance to My radiant Presence.  The Light of My Love shines on you continually, regardless of your feelings or behavior.  Your responsibility is to be receptive to this unconditional Love.  Thankfulness and trust are your primary receptors.  Thank Me for everything; trust me at all times.  These simple disciplines will keep you open to My loving Presence. 

For it is by grace you have been saved through faith-- and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God-- by works, sot that no one can boast. --Ephesians 2:8-9

I pray that out of His glorious riches He may strengthen you with power through His Spirit in you inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith.  And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have the power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge--that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. --Ephesians 3:16-19

Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge. --Psalm 62:8

I don't remember who wrote this, but I think it's one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen or heard. 

Monday, February 3, 2014

Super Bowl Blues

So the Superbowl was last night.  I'm not a football fan and know little to nothing about it, but there  is something about the Superbowl (mainly the food and commercials).  I spent the big night scrapbooking (in which I am very behind, I am definitely switching to digital, the mess of spreading everything out just overwhelms me like nothing ever could. Now I don't get overwhelmed very easy)
Cleaning the oven, I overturned cake batter INSIDE the oven, watching Brady Bunch, drinking rootbeer floats, and watching what my eight year old sister would call a mushy chick flick; however, I can't see how an Elizabeth Gaskill could even be compared to a "chick-flick".  While my brother and father watch the game at my grandparents' house.  Usually we all go to some persons house (since we don't have TV) but this year we spent the time in a much more pleasant evening. I have yet to watch a Superbowl that held my interest for more than five minutes at a time, now I understand that for most guys the Superbowl is a crucial night in their lives,  but for me it's a night of food and commercials, usually the half-time is just plain stupid.

This year instead of doing a regular Bible reading plan I'm trying to memorize Psalms 119.  No, I'm not crazy.
I just thought that instead of freaking out every month because I save a big hunk of my Bible reading till the 30th I have been on a schedule to read the Bible in a year, where you do so much every month. Not my thing since I'm a famous for my procrastination skills.  I'll do something I enjoy more.  I love the Psalms and 119 is one that has always held my interest.  Since I enjoy memorizing (to a certain extent, mind you) I thought I'd give it a try. Oh, and I'm also getting paid to do it :) that helps my motivation a little :-)  Not to mention that I think that reading Deuteronomy again would KILL me. I love how David writes Psalms 119.  It's a poem, and the theme is God's word.  It shows you what kind of man David was, someone who loved God with his entire being, loved God's word because of what it meant to him as an individual, and you can see how unworthy he sometimes feels. Often I feel like his words mirror my own heart and desires.   Because of David's Psalms, I think that he is probably one of my favorite characters.  He was truly a man after God's own heart.

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

My Favorite Book

My favorite book is the Witch of Blackbird Pond.  It tells the story of a young girl in the late 1600's who, after her grandfather's death, leaves her tropical home in Barbados to live with her aunt and uncle in Connecticut (i think).  As she struggles to fit in and learn the puritan ways she is befriended by  a Quaker woman who lives all alone in the Blackbird swamp.  Our heroine has to hide the fact that she is friends with the Quaker woman because the Quakers are disliked by the Puritans.  The girl's secret is found out, and she is accused of witchcraft.

I just think that everyone should read the book who has the even the littlest interest in history.  It's one of my favorites because of the history, because it is well written, good plot, and the author has an amazing knowledge of people and their personalities.  I'm sure I could write a book on books that I think everyone should read :)  However, I don't think that people would really appreciate me and my soapbox if I did.   Now I'm going to write all about food, because I'm hungry.  My dad and I have this joke, that we always seem to go to the grocery store when we're hungry and so, are pointing out all the yummy looking stuff that we can possibly see.  Now I don't have a big appetite, some days I could go all day without eating and the next I can't stop.  My brother is hungry most of the time. So is the younger.  My sister is tall for her age and seems to be growing, and constantly eating.  I swear that she's going to pass me up in height in the next few years.  I was always average in height (still am) and she's always been tall.  It's sort of sad, it used to be that I was the tallest kid in the family, now I'm second soon to be third. 

Music

Music has always highly affected me, in a good way.  However because of this I have to be careful to what I listen to because of how it plays on my emotions. One of my absolute favorite songs is Here I Am by the group Downhere.  On top of having beautiful lyrics, I also love their sound.  If you haven't ever heard it before, look it up on you tube, it's really good.  I really appreciate what the christian music community does.  Recently Natalie Grant stood up for what she believes in even though she is receiving a lot of abuse over it.   Honestly, I don't know how some of these secular songs like, What Does the Fox Say (ouch!)  can even compare to some of my favorites.  I'll have to figure out how I can upload some of these songs onto the blog. 

Monday, January 27, 2014

Flu Blues

I have had the flu all week.  Bummer.  I woke up last Sunday with a sore throat which didn't bother me a whole lot so I went to church and felt fine, except that I wasn't quite my normal self and I was feeling like I should have a pity-party for no good reason.  After church we had a birthday party, that's when I really started feeling bad.  Nasty sore throat, splitting headache, absolutely no appetite, and lack of my normal energy.  I got home that afternoon and had a quick shower and went straight to bed.  It lasted most of the week, but by Friday I was feeling better and so yesterday I made it to church.  I actually made it through the service without coughing which was a miracle, but it helped that I didn't sing, I mouthed the words and thoroughly enjoyed it too! Got a coughing fit during classes and had to leave to pull myself together, funny since it was the first one I'd had all week.  I made it home had a pretty good afternoon and evening but I went to bed in a foul mood.  I was feeling that I hadn't gotten my way all day, where we sat in church, getting in trouble several times, and the lima beans for lunch didn't help either.  lovely.

For the last few days my dog has been bothering me non-stop.  It's starting to get on my nerves.  Teddy wants to sit on my lap while we watch a movie then he hops down several seconds after hopping up, then he wants back up again. Repeating the process several times gets to me and I tell him 'no' so he begins to whine and yip.  Now I am a dog lover.  Completely.  And Teddy (i call him Bubba) is my special friend. I would enjoy doing agility with him someday that is, if he can get the basic commands down first. What a dog to have.  Now if I could get my dream Irish Wolfhound (i love anything Irish) that would be fantastic!